Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
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*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
I wish I were this cool 😂
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Running your mouth is not cardio.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!