Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
You Might Also Like
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
New menu item
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*