Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
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I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
The sacred texts.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.