Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
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If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.