Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.

WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?

ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.

I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car

Going to church you guys need anything

If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

#TrueStory

KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?

DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.

JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.

The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink

My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.

Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.

sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.

I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.

Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.

Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.

That’s because they’re coughy filters.

The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.

If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.

Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.

Wednesday

Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.

If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money

[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *

9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.

[the first couples argument]

Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.

Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.

*updates tinder bio*

I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.