Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
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Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”