“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
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Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.