Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
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Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
This meal prepping shit is easy
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.