“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
You Might Also Like
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
No, YOUR illiterate.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then