Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
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[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…