@EJGomez

hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!

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@JesKeepSwimming

I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.

@timdonakowski

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

@LuvPug

If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.

@DelilahSmashbox

I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.

@Home_Halfway

Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.

@jonnysun

*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken

@OrdinaryAlso

being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.

@noog

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.