Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
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Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
OKAY DAD
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.