@jonnysun

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u

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@OhMisterUnicorn

Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.

@robdelaney

Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?

@AngieDavisHaha

I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.

@EndhooS

Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”

Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*

@danguterman

Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.

@Reverend_Scott

HULK WANT LOAN

Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.

GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*

Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.

@RobWeb79

Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.