hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
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Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity