hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u

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Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.


Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.


HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?


I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.


Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”

Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*


Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.



Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.

*flips table into moon*

Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.


Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.