hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
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Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
these two trucks have the same bed length
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now