hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
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My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now