hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
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son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
So we got a goldfish…
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.