Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
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My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
My work here is done
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.