Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!

-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀

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*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!

Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?

Husband: GET UP!


[on phone with mom]
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up


[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year



Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”


Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”


At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.


I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….

So now I know why zombies walk like they do.


If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.

Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.