@CafeinatedBacon

Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!

-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀

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@Marlebean

*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!

Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?

Husband: GET UP!

@internetluke

[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up

@Playing_Dad

[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year

@Reverend_Scott

“HULK WANT LOAN.”

Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”

“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”

Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”

@noog

At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.

@77StephanieG77

I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….

So now I know why zombies walk like they do.

@Cyd10e

If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.

Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.