@Marlebean *sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
@CafeinatedBacon Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
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@Marlebean 
@internetluke [on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
@sweetg35 Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
@Playing_Dad [First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
@obviousplant_ You can’t outrun your problems…
@Reverend_Scott “HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
@noog At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
@77StephanieG77 I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
@PORNOPINION Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
@Cyd10e If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.