Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister πππ
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Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now Iβm a weremango
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Iβve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parentsβ fridge without checking the expiration date
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh whatβs the special occasion?
Me: I read the newsβ¦
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Jello shots because who doesnβt like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shotβ¦
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…