Hey! This isn’t my car!
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(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
*aggressively waits in line*
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”