Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
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Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant