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There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Time for evil
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.