Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
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[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Awwwww shit.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.