HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
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I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Love this one 😂🧟
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)