Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
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Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
my dog when i have a friend over
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
the Monday after daylight savings
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
set yourself free xox
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
can’t bark with your mouth full
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.