Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
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Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.