Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
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My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here