Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
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HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Fidel Castro was alive?
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.