“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
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tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Pretty certain I can more drunk
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
What kind of a cult is this?
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!