“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
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Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.