Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
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“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Always the camel, never the toe.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*