Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
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When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary