“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
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Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!