hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
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This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Who’s ready for Friday?!
I told my vodka about you.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean