Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
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Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Finally
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.