“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
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AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Geez man, take it easy.
British websites use biscuits.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
[INFOMERCIAL]
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Me irl
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.