“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
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It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis