@slimmy_shady

Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.

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@Lerky

Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?

Dj: Yes.

M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.

@soulindivision

I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.

@UNDEADTRESOR

It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:

@DanMentos

FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone

@brunopieroni

I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.

@Donna_McCoy

It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.

@KatMcSnatch

Recipe for homemade charcoal:

1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…

@ItsAndyRyan

I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.

@jenniferfralic

The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.