Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
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[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Very good news from my accountant
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
fixed it
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.