Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
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Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead