Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
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Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.