Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
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Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.