Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
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People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
The happy life.. 😊
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX