“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
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Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair