Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
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I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house