Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
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The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
This could be us, but you weedin’.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
“Huge”.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.