Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.

If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.

Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.

mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day

Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.

I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.

If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.

I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said

#parenting

I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up

I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.

cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray

if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them

cause that’s creepy AF

I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.

Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap

“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick

friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours

me: yeah so

friend: maybe u should turn it on

Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.

[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants

didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?

Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation

stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues

Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.

[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did

[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here

Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”

I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.

The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.

The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.