hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
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[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Okay
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.