“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
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My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half