“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
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Don’t take drugs… for granted.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…