“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
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“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos